I’ve never really been an optimistic person.I don’t know why,wait I think I have an idea. I always feel like things just won’t work out,that the stars won’t align,that nothing nice will happen,that the pot will break at the doorstep and this has costed me a lot. Aloot. Thus is because IM SCARED OF THE FUTURE! Yes I’m afraid of caterpillars especially the green ones with thorns yikes!,of crawling animals and let’s just throw tequila in there…remember, key words, afraid! But when it comes to the future, I’m scared. Living in the moment HSS always been a hurdle for me,like yes,I’m happy today,but what about tomorrow, what about next week or next year,or ten years from now,will I still be happy? Class,this is where I went wrong!
” what are you doing after law school?” Sally asked me and I got shifty,and nervous,my leg started shaking and I tried to speak but a stanner was right at the tip of my tongue….
“Umm, I don’t know, I’m not sure I want to go to law school.”
“Wait,what? Why? What’s the point of studying law if you have no interest of practicing?”
“I’m scared Sally, what if I don’t graduate with the best honours? What if I actually do and go to KSL but then fail the bar exams? I’ll be disappointed and I don’t want that”
“But how sure are you that you’ll fail? Why are you so inclined on the negative love? I mean,what if you actually excel? Try to be positive,really. Where does all your negativity stem from? No offence but you are the most pessimistic person I’ve ever met.Why are you like this?”
For a moment I thought I was at a phschologists office. You know,those very sweet ladies and gentlemen whose work is to poke your brains trying to make you feel better at life and feel better about yourself? Those with air conditioned rooms,well arranged desks with a vanilla scented candle which apparently makes someone relax enough to spill all the secrets,all in the insecurities. But then again, I’m a black woman, we don’t go to therapy,that’s for white folks!
“I’m not a pessimist ,how dare you?”
“That ain’t enough,you are not giving me enough Trizah. Getting half of you ain’t enough! I’m gonna sit here until you decide you are ready to talk.” I fidget again,and start scratching at my arm because I do that when im cornered.
“So we are doing this? You are actually trying to crack me? Are you a shrink?”
I’m just scared sally! I’m scared of the unknown. The thought of me not being able to achieve all of my dreams is too scary. I’ve been here before.I was index 1 in highschool sally, I was very bright, I didnt even try.But do you know what happened in the final exams? I failed,terribly and I became a laughing stock! I was a straight A student but I got a C. I didn’t see that coming! I was disappointed in myself and from then ,I decided that it doesn’t matter how good things are today,how happy I am because all that can be taken away in a second! I don’t want to be hopeful anymore! I don’t even for a second like to think that it will all be fine at the end! Every time I get close to achieving NY dream,something goes wrong and it breaks my heart and I’m right back to where I started. I love writing,but when was the last time you saw me post an article? Bet you can’t remember.I have the worst case of the writers block syndrome, and remember writing is my passion! If its become hard for me to pursue my passion,tell me,how aim I supposed to pursue anything at all,especially Law, something I was pushed into.So tell me madam shrink? Don’t I have the right to not be pessimistic?Haven’t I earned the right to be scared of what the future holds? Don’t answer that, because I think I have. I can’t afford the to be happy todsy if its not going to last.”
The silence that followed was defeaning! He just took out his phone and calmly said,” let me play you a sing love, it will tell you everything I want you to hear ”
Sarcastically, “wow so you are a next level shrink huh? Playing me music? Wow,ok you can as well play me Wamlambez! Wait,can you actually play that sovwe take a break from all this seriousness? I’m tired”
He played the song ‘each tear’ by Mary J Blidge ft Jay Sean and it hit me. I guess that was exactly what I needed to hear and he was right.”
“Everynight there is one thing that I do,i bow my head and i pray for you,coz the last thing that I want, is for you to fall apart,your future will be clearer and I want you to remember,,,In each tear,there’s a lesson ,makes you wiser bfr ,makes you stronger than you know.Each tear,brings you closer to your dreams.No mistake ,no heartbreak can take away what you are meant to be! You are much more than the struggle that you go through,you are not defined by your pain soblet it go,you are not a victim ,you are more like a winner ,and you are not in defeat ,you are a more like a queen.”
I had a breakdown! As in a mega-super breakdown where I found myself on the floor crying uncontrollably because I waa on apath doing not what I wanted to do,but what I had been told to do with my life . I knew it was not what what I wanted and every time someone had asje why I did it anyway , “its complicated” that’s what I always said.